Exams are on, it's raining cats and dogs outside, and I've grown tired of both. Been a dreary week with projects, presentations and exams, and we are not done with the week yet(or rather, the week is not done with me yet). Sigh. And yet, I find the time to blog and tell-all. How, you ask? Well, I looked at the blog after a long time, and it looked so forlorn, like a neglected(No, not that one. How would I know?), so, like a neglected parent(My parents always feel neglected and go into mini-depressions when I have exams. Mini-depressions. Like mini idlis or mini meals). I felt so guilty that the hit counter was zooming along even when I had not posted anything worthwhile for a long time. So I was on my weekly blog-idea hunt, when a couple of medical officers dropped into school to educate us about the swine flu(We don't use the s-word on this blog, so we say H1N1 flu). Aha, I thought. This time I didn't have to look far for inspiration. I just had to twist and turn whatever these good gentlemen said, change some text into italics, parenthesize, and we're done!! Little did I know what was in store.
I think one of those officers had the swine, sorry, H1N1 flu himself, for I started feeling a bit woozy soon after they had left. Hacking cough and a baaaad headache followed, and so, for the safety and health of those around me, I decided to go to the health center. Now the whole health center idea here is very funny. The center is located a long mile away from campus, therefore, if you are ill, please wait until you're strong enough to walk to the health center, and then when you get there, you will have the best possible medical care. Wisecracks notwithstanding, I dragged myself to the health center, showed them my ID cards, and sank down thankfully onto the couch. Back in India, I used to call up my doctor(a highly gifted school senior), tell her the symptoms, and she used to send across the medicines. Of course, she would also call back in a couple of hours to check whether I was still alive. A typical conversation would be like this:
Me: "Hey Doc"
She: "Hey Dumbo"
Me: "Dumbo yourself. Listen I need some advice"
She: "Left hand or right?"
Me: "Not fractured hands, re. I think I'm coming down with something bad. Need some medicines"
She: "Ok, tell me the symptoms"
Me: "Headache, feeling exhausted, high body temperature, cold and I'm spitting blood"
She: "Ok, are your pupils dilated?"(She's quintessentially cool. That statement about spitting blood didn't affect her at all)
I stare at the mirror with the phone cradled on one shoulder.
Me: "No, I don't think they are"
She: "Well, even if they were, you wouldn't know"
Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She: "Bend forward and let your neck loose"
Me: Ok.(Loud noise as I tumble from my chair. Curses and threats follow)
She: "Ok, you can sit up now. Did you feel anything heavy in your forehead or behind your nose?"
Me: "Yes"
She: Ok, I'll send you some medicines. Take them, take rest, and you should be just fine"
Me: "Okie, thanks"
(After two hours)
She: "Hey Dumbo."
Me: "Hey Doc. What goes?"
She: "Nothing, just checking. Tc, Bye."
Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sigh. I miss those days of innocence.
Here, the diagnostic process is more thorough, long-drawn, and psychology-oriented. But prone to gaffes, as we shall see. After registering at the front-desk, I was sitting and chatting with two friends who had accompanied me to the health center. I was bragging about how I had written that I had flu, in order to ensure prompt attention. A group of people walked out of an office and called my name. One of my friends raised his hand, presumably to say that he was with me. Before any of us could say another word, they had put him on a wheelchair, put a gauze mask on him, and wheeled him away to a diagnostics room. The entire party returned in a minute, the friend all flushed and upset, and the doctor party sheepishly grinning. Quick and efficient, but inaccurate. This time around, they correctly identified me, even looked at my ID card, and wheeled me in. Everybody was masked and gloved. Except me. Left me feeling like I was highly radioactive or something. They took a blood sample from me and then left me alone. Just imagine. Alone in a HUGE room, draped in a white sheet, lying under a pool of light. I, of course, used the time to catch a few winks. I woke up to someone gently shaking me. The light was off, the gown had vanished, and so had the masks and gloves. There was only one doctor.
Doc: "Hmmmm"
Me: "Hmmm?"
Doc: "Hi Shszzzrijeethth. Is that how you pronounce your name?"
Me: "Yeah that's fine"
Doc: "Ok. We ran a few tests on the blood sample and found that there is nothing wrong!! Aren't you relieved?"
Me: "So what is wrong? Why am I feeling tired and feverish?"
Doc: "First, let me ask you a few questions. Do you stay with your parents or siblings?"
Me: "No"
Doc: "So you stay with your partner?"
Me: "No. I stay with friends"
Doc: "Do you have a troubled romantic relationship?"
Me: "^$#*(@#"
Doc: "Strained relationships with flatmates?"
Me: "No"
Doc: "Strained relationship with family?"
Me: "No"
Doc: "What did you have for breakfast?"
Me: "Cereal"
Doc: "How is your academic work going on?"
Me: "Good"
Doc: "Do you have any financial problems?"
Me: "No"
Doc: "Ok, this looks like is a case of seasonal flu. I will fill out a prescription for you. Take rest, and you should be just fine"
So, avoid strained romantic relationships, strained family relations, have cereals for breakfast, maintain your grades and plan finances well if you want to avoid swine flu. Sorry, infection by the H1N1 virus.
So, let me take rest and study for my exams while you guys run along and have a nice (rest of the) week. In my absence, please keep the blog alive, by appropriate activities in the comments section.
Stay healthy and I'll see you in just a few days. Ciao.
2 comments:
Ha ha ha... Hope that it was just the "seasonal flu" ;) Superb narration!!!
@Divya: Thanks :) I'm also hoping it's the seasonal flu!!
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