Yesterday was yet another of those cross-country trips. Thankfully, this time, I don't need to rush back. Whopper of a 24-week vacation, complete with a thrilled niece, chechi, chettan and parents. So it was in that jolly mood that I got on to the flight yesterday. Nothing could dampen my spirits. There was the jolly old lady ahead of me in the boarding line who kept dropping her carry-on on my foot. Each time I smiled at her. To my credit. I smiled at the racist flight attendant(she smiled only at white Americans. I am neither white nor American. Duh. As if I care). I picked out a row that had a plug-point underneath, so I could use the lappy. White Americans grouped me with the Afro Americans, and the Afro Americans grouped me with the Mexicans(bloody immigrant, they must be thinking). Gujarati belles grouped me with lecherous bachelors. In short, the seat next to me was empty. Out came the lappy and off came the shoes. I was going to enjoy this flight. Sadly, no material for a blog post(Nowadays I scan every situation for potential post material. Is this an incurable condition, doctor?).
In the seat pocket in front of me, there was a small booklet that explained what to do in case of emergencies. The illustration was hilarious. There was a strip showing what to do in case the flight crashed over mountains. Once the plane crashes, smiling air hostesses will tell you what to do. Smiling passengers near the emergency row will remove the emergency door, and smiling passengers are expected to get out of the aircraft. Everybody smiling. A happy ending huh? The same thing goes for water landings. You smilingly don your life jacket, rip out your seat cushion, and wait in line to exit the aircraft. After ensuring that everybody has gotten off, the plane will sink. And instead of waiting for the sharks to come and get you, you smilingly swim about in your bright orange life jacket. Until some smiling ship crew come by to pluck you from the water.
Smirking, I put down the booklet and settled down to watch an old Malayalam movie on the lappy. One of the revolutionary movies from Mollywood. This is the earliest movie that I remember, in which the villain is not killed by a combination of multiple gunshots and several stabs with a kitchen knife(the villain, in fact, gets to live). I just love watching these old Indian movies. Makes me laugh until my sides hurt.
In this one, the heroine is a Mallu pop singer. Ever heard of Mallus singing pop? Hahaha. All the "pop" songs were remixed Malayalam devotional songs. Especially pulluvan paattu(songs sung by a particular tribe whose traditional occupation is to appease the snake God Nagaraja). In a fit of rage, a supporting actor says so to the "pop" singer herself. In line with the script, she took it very coolly. I would have eaten him up.
The hero has not one, but many shades of negativity. As in so many other movies, in this one too, the hero is armed with supernatural powers. The script-writer is on a roll, getting the hero to outwit a dozen national security agencies and a couple of international intelligence organizations. I didn't know CBI provides security to Mallu pop singers. Eye opener for me.
Apparently all cars in Kerala are parked unlocked, with the keys in the ignition. Full tank of petrol. Maybe it's a law for all car owners to carry spare fake number plates in the trunk. The hero never has a problem stealing a car and travelling across states. Auto drivers are well-behaved, and the auto fares are always in denominations of Rs. 10, 20, 50, 100, 500, 1000 or 5000(The first auto driver is always ready to go where the actor wants to go. All actors just alight from the auto, pay and walk away without worrying about change. Bangaloreans are allowed a laugh here).
Fight scenes are excellent. The villains patiently wait in a line behind the camera until the hero is ready to deal with them. Four villains at a time(what do you think? The hero has only 2 hands and 2 legs). The goons are all obese, coconut oil-covered and menacing, but that doesn't deter the hero from throwing them into the air at regular intervals. Four of them piled one on top of the other don't hurt the hero, but a perfunctory slap by the hero opens up wounds on these goons' faces. From which magenta-coloured blood flows copiously. When most of the work is done, a single jeep-load of policemen arrive, sirens screaming(like some of your managers, huh? wink wink). 10 policemen alight from the jeep to herd the 9 goons into the vehicle. The Inspector personally commends the hero's actions(stopping short of the President's Bravery medal. I don't know why), and then all 19 people leave in a single jeep(Lugging 9 obese goons and 10 petite policemen, it can still be driven like a Himalayan rally vehicle. Rounding corners on two wheels and splashing water). All vehicles in the movie have screeching brakes. Somebody should talk to the guys in sound effects. Stopping vehicles sounded like neighing horses being reined in in the middle of a 160 km/hr gallop.
Climax scene was no less funny. The hero is holed up in a house, with policemen surrounding the house with assault rifles. At regular intervals, the hero comes out on to the balcony to threaten the policemen with a puny revolver that has 6 bullets. All the policemen run for cover. Ultimately, the police commissioner realizes that the pop singer is his only hope(The mike is mightier than the sword? Sorry, bad joke), and brings her to the hero's hideout. As the heroine walks towards the house singing a soft song, policemen slow march behind her(the way they march when the Prime Minister is inspecting the guard of honour). Throw in some little children dressed in white, holding candles(I remember they made me do this when I was 5 yrs old, for a Christmas play in school. The baby Jesus was just born. The wax melted and fell on my hand and I ran off the stage screaming. Mary and Joseph were rolling on the floor laughing, while the 3 wise men were shouting for the stage hand to bring down the curtains. The crowd was in splits). While the hero is captivated by the song, the policemen overpower him and disarm him of the revolver and supernatural powers.
In the conclusive scene, all the supporting actors are crying. The hero apologizes to the heroine. The heroine apologizes to the hero's mother. The villains apologize to the supporting actors. The supporting actors apologize to the hero's uncle. The hero's uncle apologizes to the hero's friends, who break the chain by apologizing to everybody in the room. Apologize for what? I don't have a darn clue.
By the time the movie was over, the plane was already lining up for final approach into San Diego. Yay, my vacations are just beginning. Am going to have a lot of fun.
Stay safe, stay happy and come back to the blog often. Ciao.
6 comments:
Hey Sreejith, nice blog dude. Never knew that you were into blogging. Keep up the good work! and yeah, have a fun summer!!
@Siddu: Thanks Dude.. :) Welcome to my blog, and keep coming back often.. You have a great summer too!!
:) :) :) :) :) No no, i am not laughing at you for the "smiling precautions you need to take in case of disasters" ;) :D Hah ahahaahahahahhahahahahahha ha ha hahaha I virtually watched the movie and am still laughing!! Lovely narration!!!
@Divya: Thanks so much :) Believe me, the movie was waaay more funny!!
I re-read this post and I continue to ROTFL!! :D :D :D
And wht a scene u had made in ur school!!:D
@Divya: He he.. yes, the scene was hilarious!!
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